Earlier this year, I helped one of my clients, a very successful doctor, finally leave a long-term relationship that had been going nowhere for some time. In addition to processing the grief of loss while closing out that painful chapter in her life, we also prepared the way for her to attract in what she REALLY wanted. Sure enough, within months of us doing the work and changing how she was showing up, she attracted an incredible man who offered everything she wanted. That’s how powerful this work is – time and again, I see it work when my clients commit to investing in what they say they want and doing what it takes! By the same token, I also see those who are profoundly disappointed with where they are…yet they continue to struggle and go nowhere. The problem is if you keep doing what you’ve always done, you’ll keep getting what you’ve always gotten.
(On a side note, it seems I’ve been working w/ a lot of female doctors lately…I am delighted to announce I just had another one get married after all but giving up on men and accepting “the single life.” I can’t even begin to tell you how professionally and personally satisfying that is for me but don’t take my word for it – check out her testimonial!
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Back to our story
Although at first glance, it seems like we already had our happy ending by attracting in “the one,” the story doesn’t end there. Creating a beautiful romance and love affair is one thing; but creating a life together – that sometimes requires additional skills. That’s why I was very gratified by being called in once again to help my client and her new man navigate the way forward when they ran into a few challenges that could have potentially been fatal to that relatively new relationship.
Making a place in your space
Part of the challenge of moving into together – especially when it involves a long-distance move – is when one partner seeks to find “their place in the new space.” Moving to a brand new market away from established resources and networks is already hard enough. Throw in even more uncertainty in the still-blossoming relationship and it’s not surprising that it brings out some stress. Luckily, though…my clients valued what they had – and committed to once again, step up and handle it.
What’s this really about?
In our first meeting, we relieved a great deal of the pressure and hurt that had been building up and laid a path for the way forward. By meeting 2, I helped them get to the bottom of what was really going on…and I gave them the clarity of a plan for the way forward. The problem boiled down to the fact that their attraction strategies were literally a mirror image of one another’s – with the exception of one. The one thing they both agreed upon was that gifts weren’t particularly important to either of them. Other than that, out of the 7 different needs of my HUG & KISS Hierarchy, his most important needs were actually the least important to her and vice versa. Is it any wonder these two were so frustrated and hurt?
If you don’t know it’s broken, you can’t fix it
That’s the beauty of coaching. In just minutes, I showed them EXACTLY why they were struggling. To give you an example, I helped them realize his number one need that made him feel loved was Unselfish Service while hers was Human Touch and kinesthetic contact. By contrast, unselfish service was her least favorite love language…and human touch was his lowest priority. When they were oblivious to that simple fact, it’s easy to understand why it all felt so hard as they struggled, got hurt and disappointed one another time and again.
It’s an easier fix than you think
Once we knew the challenge, it was far easier to fix than either of them expected. That’s because everyone has their own unique love strategy and no one’s is “wrong.” It’s kind of like having the exact combination that opens a vault full of love. If you don’t know the combination, you can fumble around with it forever and never feel success. If you know it – you can crack it open any time you want. The one key is a simple agreement and an acknowledgement that your partner DESERVES to feel absolutely loved in the way that works best for them. That’s it.
Now they both get to win the game!
Things have gotten so much better at my client’s home very quickly! That’s because he now gets to practice his flexibility and feel like the hero any time he demonstrates physical affection for his partner. Plus, she now knows how to light her man up by doing simple little thoughtful and nurturing gestures. After months of struggle, they now get to routinely win the game they’ve been playing all along – yet somehow kept losing. The only difference is – they committed to get some help and now they know the rules. It’s A LOT easier to win a game when you know how the rules work…
I’d love to get your thoughts on this also! Please comment below and if this scenario sounds like someone you may know, please be a great friend and share it with them or just ‘“like” it on FaceBook or Tweet it.