Recently I answered a great question about how to get more sex – a very popular topic – in a singles forum with where I coach and since it garnered one hundred-plus responses in a day or two, I thought it would share it here also. How to get better sex is also a huge concern. Here’s the lady’s question:
“I’m embarrassed to even post this but I need to get some feedback. I have a wonderful, loving relationship with my boyfriend but NO passion. If we have sex once a month for ten minutes, that’s a lot. I’m feeling rejected all the time and starting to feel really resentful. I’ve never had this issue before and I’m not sure how to handle it. On one hand, I’m so happy and in a good relationship. I’m happy in so many ways but then I’m constantly feeling like I’m on the verge of cheating so my needs can also be met. I’m truly at a loss and don’t know what to do. Any advice would be appreciated.”
Can you relate to this at all?
If you’re reading this article, chances are you may relate personally because you also want to know how to get more passion or you’re dealing with a situation related to male performance issues or libido. Or you could simply be curious. Out of the hundred-plus responses she received, there was a lot of great advice. However, I had a somewhat unique response that no one else in the group picked up on or mentioned. My first statement acknowledged her courage and vulnerability in raising the question at all and at the same time, I let her know that those two qualities alone will go a long way toward solving the issue.
Let’s get this out of the way first
While I’m certainly no medical doctor – and I don’t give medical advice – my first suggestion was that it could simply be a low testosterone issue for her man and that a Doctor could evaluate that and rule out other physical issues. That can be treated very well with prescribed supplements that can be taken by pill, cream, patches or even injections. Again, a doctor can advise you here much more effectively. I also pointed out that when she mentioned trying to address the issue with him (in a later post), her comments came across more as “complaints” about a problem than a “request” for attention or intimacy. That, alone, can mean all the difference in the world when it comes to a successful resolution.
But here’s where things got interesting
Because I specialize in the area of human relationships and get outstanding results quickly for my clients, I picked up something no one else noticed. Most of the time, any required shift fits into one of three primary areas. Occasionally, the presenting issue requires a new Awareness about an area that they are currently unaware of that is holding them back. Often, that can be solved at the level of simply bringing new attention to that underlying issue. Occasionally, a new Skill or strategy is required and that can be taught and mastered. Lastly, some issues can be resolved at the level of a root Belief that is holding them back and this is where some foundational healing is required.
So where do you think I went?
I’ve seen this many times before and because my specialty is rapid transformation and knowing exactly where to focus efforts to get maximum results quickly, I quickly pulled out the root of the issue immediately. Did you see it?
Here was the root in this situation
“I’m feeling rejected all the time and starting to feel really resentful.”
The reality here is that I can pretty much guarantee that this is no accident and these two attracted one another for a higher purpose. I pointed out very kindly and compassionately that the underlying issue she wasn’t seeing was that her boyfriend’s sole job here is to trigger her rejection issues but is NOT to torture her – it is to HEAL her. He didn’t create her self-admitted issues with rejection (which we all possess at some level) – but he is on the job to bring it to her attention. (Or at least, I am, indirectly, by revealing the meaning behind his actions). The thing is – she will create this again and again until she finally heals it for good. Even if she cheats, gets her needs met elsewhere and finds someone else with a higher sex drive…it’ll come up again. She’s already suggested that it would violate her values so she would struggle with guilt and shame. Plus it might not just happen in relationships; it may cross over into her career. Or in her family. Or maybe with a friend who she thinks is “rejecting” her or who betrays her perhaps. I practically guarantee it.
Do you know how I know I’m right?
If you didn’t know me, you might think I sound cocky or think I’m some kind of mind-reader. But I don’t think I’m either of those things. What I do have is a decade of experience. I understand how this works and I see it play out again and again ALL THE TIME. And there was one other really powerful clue that seals it. As soon as I nicely offered up my suggestion in order to serve her, she deleted the entire post and all the wisdom it contained with hundreds of good comments, of which, mine was only one. The last one.
It’s ironic that she felt okay to out her boyfriend’s private libido issues in front of thousands of people he didn’t know. But as soon as it was suggested that maybe “the root” of the entire problem wasn’t just about him entirely…well, that’s when things got “too personal.”
So you may be asking yourself…
How might this apply to me? Maybe it does. Maybe it doesn’t. My point in sharing the story is that it’s not always the “presenting issue” that is the problem. As I suggested to the lady asking the question, when you do your work to heal and know your value, and you issue an “invitation” to intimacy from a place of confidence and radiance…the challenge just might resolve itself. But when you complain or trigger feelings of shame or blame in your man, well, that might also explain how things got that way in the first place.
Want some help pinpointing your challenge?
Oftentimes the “real” challenge is hiding out in plain sight – but if you know where to look – and how to resolve it – otherwise good relationships can be saved and made better than ever. If you want some help on an issue you just haven’t been able to resolve, I invite you to reach out via email and let’s discuss it. Breakups aren’t always the answer.