Want A Good Answer? Ask A Better Question!
May 16, 2011
Open your heart…and use your head, too!
June 19, 2011
In my last newsletter, I wrote about 2 women who were commiserating with one another on why the men in their lives don’t communicate often enough with them.Since this very topic gets tossed around daily wherever women connect, I thought I would weigh in on that issue and serve everyone at the same time.
Most women get frustrated and wonder why guys don’t communicate like they do…and the simple answer is…men DON’T communicate like women do…they communicate like men. If you want them to talk, you need a little awareness – and a better strategy. When you stop judging them as wrong and trying to fix them…ladies may be surprised to see their men open up like they’ve never seen.
If you want him to talk, let him
Ladies, if you want a man to communicate, ask him an open-ended question – and then wait for his response – and most importantly, sit silently as he answers. If you interject comments frequently or change topics, he will shut down and not feel safe to share “the plan” especially if it’s not fully formulated. As hunter/providers, men are single-focused and strategic. It takes time to come up with a well-thought-out answer and if he gets interrupted before he’s finished, the whole process stalls. It’s like throwing a coin down a deep well and expecting an immediate splash…it doesn’t work that way. Give him time and space…and you may be surprised how much he will talk.
The Mind of the Masculine
Also, men tend to separate emotion and facts because the masculine energy loves to solve problems and emotion just complicates things. Unfortunately, that detachment of emotion affects recall because it’s the emotion attached that makes an event more memorable. That’s why pretty much everyone can recall where they were when they heard the news about September 11th, 2001 because the emotion associated with the event burned the details of that day into the subconscious permanently.
He’s Not Necessarily Wrong…Just Different
By contrast, the feminine processes situations via emotions rather than data analysis so it’s no surprise why there is a frequent disconnect when communicating with men, is there? That also explains why a man is at a HUGE disadvantage in a disagreement with a woman. She will remember what he said, where he was standing and exactly what he was wearing weeks and years later because the emotion made it “sticky” for her. Meanwhile, the guy can barely recall the incident well enough to defend himself.
Want Proof?
My beautiful partner, Katrina Tse, shares a perfect example of what I’m suggesting in our live sessions. She once went on a date with a man before we met and tried what I just suggested. She asked him one simple question and then “zipped it” and listened while he talked for an hour sharing his values, beliefs, plans, priorities…everything! Do you know what the question was? “What do you like about your job?” Ladies, how simple is that? And men, wouldn’t you like to have someone really want and value your opinions while actively listening and appreciating your gifts?
The Clincher
That last part is important. There is nothing more important to attracting a man and keeping his attention than him noticing that you are open to receive his gifts. Ladies, you will never know how hard most men actually WANT to please you – but they will stop trying as soon as they decide it’s too hard or not possible to win the game. Feel free to put my suggestions into action and you should definitely see some real improvement. Guys, I’ll be adding some info on how to communicate better with the feminine in an upcoming post.
more space needed here
4 Comments
If only life were like this article. Men struggle with communication. No matter what I ask or how long I remain silent.
Lauren, thank you so much for your comment. I’m really sorry that you’re having a difficult time getting men to communicate. I do realize that can be difficult and painful when it feels like you’re getting nowhere. I suspect there may be another challenge that could be contributing but I have a few questions for you to be sure. If you’d like to set up a call, I’d be happy to discuss some ideas with you. My gift to you as a thank you for your comment…
Sometimes men don’t want to communicate because they don’t want to connect emotionally with you, only physically.
Jenny, thanks so much for your comment. Despite the fact that I suspect your answer is the source of some pain for you, there is some definite truth in your statement. I hope you will take some reassurance in the fact that we are speaking in generalization here and it does not apply to all men. Some men may be preoccupied with goals or business, family needs, or recreational pursuits; these men may not prioritize relationship or openness because it conflicts with their higher value needs as they understand them or where they are in their life cycle. Plus, some men may be emotionally disconnected or unavailable for some reason related to their own personal history like their upbringing, past relationships or trauma of some kind. It can be very frustrating to try to connect with someone who has an anxious attachment style for whatever reason. While men like this may not be open to true partnership and emotional depth, they may seek to meet more physical desires as you describe. I get how that can be very painful and frustrating if you are on the receiving end of that and it might even feel like you are being used. If that’s the case for you, I’d say there are two other ways to look at this scenario. One; this could be a wonderful opportunity for you to truly embody and know your own value and commit to a new mindset, strategy, action or even a new partner. And, secondly; if you actually DO change how you’re showing up or what you’re willing to accept or tolerate…occasionally, a man will recognize what he is about to lose and dig in and do the work that is required for him to be a better partner. I’ve seen my clients create these shifts solely by the way they show up and it’s ultimately a wonderful blessing where both parties get what they most needed. So whether you become more internally empowered…or a man steps up to be a better version of himself…or your new empowered self attracts a man who is ready, willing and able to commit…this whole scenario is just a moment in time and it can ultimately end very well for all parties. I certainly hope you DO attract and keep the kind of partner your heart desires and that he is open and a great communicator. Good luck and thanks again for your excellent comment and the value you have added here.