How Do You “Change” Someone Who Doesn’t Want To Change?May 3, 2011
Why Can’t Men Communicate Like Women?June 3, 2011
I got a call the other day from a client who was sharing a story with me about a huge epiphany her girlfriend had about her relationship challenges.
I liked the story so much, I thought I’d share it with you as well. I spoke with her girlfriend once before about a previous challenge and she is a great woman…she just seems to attract men who aren’t a good fit for her.
It started innocently enough
My client and her girlfriend were having one of those typical connection sessions talking about a favorite topic for most women…what in the world is wrong with men? 😉 Since my client has a pretty great coach, she was able to help her reframe the issue into a better quality question. She knows how to do that because if you want a good quality answer, you first have to ask a better question. So her friend thought about it for a minute, and out of nowhere, she came up with an infinitely better question:
“Why am I attracting guys who don’t communicate?”
Once she got more specific with the question, she was able to come up with a far more powerful and insightful question that just may turn everything around for her. If you liked the question she asked, wait until you hear the answer she came up with:
“The reason I attract guys who don’t communicate is because I don’t communicate!”
My client’s friend hasn’t done a great deal of self-development work but she stumbled upon a very powerful technique called the turnaround. The truth is – our relationships are an incredible mirror on where we are in our personal journey. I have seen it happen twice in just the last few months with 2 different clients who got engaged. Both of them were ready to do the work on themselves that changed everything. One left a relationship with an unavailable man and attracted a lot of very good dates before settling with a new man who offered everything she wanted. The other actually got back with his former girlfriend and the mother of his child – 6 years after a very bitter breakup.
The point is – people who do the work attract that which they seek…and people who don’t develop themselves attract what they don’t want until they get the lesson. You may have heard the sayings “like attracts like” or “water seeks its own level” – and I see this play out every single day.
The really encouraging news is that my client’s friend used her newfound realization about the state of her own communication skills and she took action that very day by stepping outside her comfort zone and speaking openly to men she just met. The good news is that when she just gave herself permission to do it and had the support of her friend, it turns out that it was a lot easier than she expected. Plus I can share with her some new distinctions on how to get men to communicate…more on that in a future newsletter.
So what’s your question?
So what’s your question?
If your relationship isn’t exactly where you want it – or even non-existent – what great-quality question would help you get to the root of the issue? If you can’t quite figure it out or are just tired of the struggle, feel free to give me a call to discuss it. Sometimes when we’re too close to the problem, we don’t see the obvious patterns that keep showing up and a trained coach can zero in on it quickly. Just keep in mind…although you may fail to see the issue…that doesn’t mean you get to avoid the consequences. On the contrary. It means you keep repeating the same mistakes until you get enough pain to finally change it. Wouldn’t it be a lot easier to just get to the bottom of the issue and fix it for good? Now that’s an example of a great-quality question!
more space needed here