Why you’ll never get a good answer when you ask a poor quality question
I’ve been doing a lot of interviews lately and recently, one of my interviewers – who is also a relationship expert in Australia who works exclusively with women – sent me a list of their client’s most commonly-asked questions. With one glance, it was clear to see why their clients were stuck. I noticed immediately that almost every one of them was framed from a place of total uncertainty…frustration…overwhelm…and powerlessness. Not exactly a very sound foundation for a relationship, now is it?
Sad, isn’t it?
I don’t point this out to pile on or judge these women harshly. I’m actually really glad they are addressing their deepest wounds and developing a new awareness by working with my friends in Australia. The part that I find sad is that there is no shortage of amazing, beautiful, intelligent women…who don’t realize their value or have the awareness of how to be effective relationship partners.
The Danger of Pre-Suppositions
Have you ever worried about some remote possibility so much that it actually happened? Even if you can’t think of an instance immediately – and some of you no doubt WILL – the truth is that we co-create our experience CONSTANTLY. As you believe, so will you perceive. Take a look at a few of my interviewer’s questions and see if you can spot the theme:
– How do I stop a man from pulling away emotionally?
If you’re trying to STOP him from pulling away, you’re doing nothing to PULL HIM IN. We’re ALL attracted to confidence. Does this sound like the question of a confident woman who knows her value?
– How can I feel like I have the power to stop him from pulling away?
Maybe a better question is where did you get the idea that he was going to pull away? Of course if a terrible pre-supposition like that isn’t enough, you can always stack on a feeling of powerlessness, too. Ughhh…
– How do I stop a man from losing interest in me?
If all you ever worry about is how to STOP…how in the world are you ever going to be able to move forward? Man didn’t discover the power of flotation by pondering what makes things sink.
– How do I know what I’m doing that’s pushing him away?
While I mention this question simply because pre-supposes that she’s pushing him away…just by adding the word HOW, it becomes an INFINITELY better question. As soon as you ask how or take action to learn how, all new possibilities are created.
– How should I communicate to a man without him getting defensive or withdrawing?
Once again, another terrible pre-supposition that gets immediately better just by adding the word HOW. If you REALLY want to improve this question, ask “how can I communicate with my man in a way that opens him up and deepens our relationship?” Can you see how that question is infinitely better than the previous one?
The quality of your life is the quality of your questions
As you can see, the inevitable consequence of poor questions is poor results. By the same token, the all-too-frequent consequence of poor results is poor questions. It’s almost like asking what came first – the chicken or the egg? Bottom line – ask a better question, get a better answer. Get a better answer, get a better life.
So if you’re ready to ask some really great questions, may I suggest a few? How much better would your life and relationships be if you got a little coaching to get to the root of your challenges and just yank it out for good? If you had an opportunity to quickly find and heal the wounds that get in your way over and over again and prevent you from getting what you want, would you do it? Lastly, isn’t it true that if you knew better, you would do better? If I can help in any way, please reach out and ask. I’m here to serve and our first chat is always free.