You probably can’t have both – so choose very carefully & know you’re making a choice
Recently I got an email from a friend who also happens to be a very good coach as well. She asked me a really great question privately and since my goal is to always provide value for my readers in this forum, I thought it would be worthwhile to share my response here. One of the reasons I say this question is so good is because I suspect some form of this question is at the root of a majority of relationship challenges. So with no further adieu, here’s the question:
“How can you consciously love fully in the moment without sabotaging with attachment to outcomes such as commitment?”
I know SO MANY people who struggle with this one…especially the more “feminine” ones – and with very good reason. Feminine energy’s number one need is to feel safe and protected; without that, no connection is possible. (There may be attraction – but no connection). By contrast, one of masculine energy’s deepest yearnings is for freedom. Therein, lies a big part of the challenge. This is one of those areas where polarity cuts both ways: you are incredibly attracted because of your differences – but in some ways, repulsed by those same differences. Both are available but where focus goes, energy flows. Focus on attraction and you will get attraction.
Why is it a good idea let go of the NEED to control?
If you have trouble letting go of the need for an outcome or in this example “commitment” – allow me to point out that giving to get is not love. It is a transaction or a horse-trade. In that way, it is no different from the world’s oldest profession. If that is shocking or offensive, I only point it out to suggest that there is a part of all of us that was born perfect and remembers how to love without agenda or fear.
So how do you do that?
I help my clients tap into their natural feminine instinct to nurture and take care of loved ones because they know at some level…it’s who they are, it’s who they want to be – and it’s the right thing to do. From there, we can expand their identity as a lover to allow all new behaviors that are totally in alignment with what they want – instead of what they fear. The bottom line here is we really don’t have a problem loving…we have a problem TRUSTING that it will be reciprocated.
Letting the power of love work for you
The beauty of pure love given just for the sake of being loving is that it is so completely intoxicating when it is received and it has a way of melting the recipient and dissolving any defenses that may be caused by their own fears or doubts. It also has a profound way of calling in your hero when your vulnerability in accepting his gifts combines with giving up your need for control.
Why love will always be more effective than control
As I wrote earlier, your man will always desire freedom…but he will trade it for something better. Authentic love helps heal old wounds and lets people relax into their best selves where love conquers fear. And isn’t that really what you were after all along? This is where the commitment you wanted comes in naturally due to the spiritual law of reciprocation…not manipulation. People usually don’t leave people who love and heal them better than they’ve ever been loved in their life. They often tend to keep them around and value what they bring.
Oh…and there’s another huge benefit of choosing love over control…
Absolute magic is unleashed when two beautiful yet imperfect souls come together, loving and healing one another. If you think that sounds incredible, there’s another great reason to choose love over certainty. In that very process…your example gives other people who witness what you have the unconscious permission to also awaken into a state of loving for love’s sake. When we finally have enough souls awakened to the power of love, we will hit a tipping point and the world will be a very different place. So if the idea of helping to transform the world into a more loving place is at all appealing, I’d love to invite you to join in…simply by remembering who you are and doing your part by being an expression of the exact kind of love you want to feel…