I met for lunch with a close friend recently who is very familiar with my work. He was telling me about a problem he was having in his relationship with his wife. While discussing the issue, he even referenced my work directly showing me that he knew both his and his wife’s primary need in my H.U.G. & K.I.S.S. Hierarchy. Then he even admitted that he knew they were in a battle of wills and he wasn’t going to give her what she needed if he wasn’t getting what he needed.
This story perfectly illustrates the point that we don’t always do what we know we should do…especially when ego creeps into the picture. In other words, common sense is not always common practice. My friend is a good man but he’s participating in a game no one can win…and that can only mean that unless something changes…everyone involved will eventually lose. It’s a slippery slope when a relationship begins to unravel and once that process starts to gain momentum, it becomes increasingly hard to reverse without an intervention by a trained relationship coach.
The Problem With A Power Struggle
Power struggles in a relationship aren’t unusual but the irony is…those who enter into them usually only reduce their power…and increase their struggle. I’m pretty certain that’s not exactly the outcome they had in mind. When 2 people are jockeying for power and position, by definition, the only way one party can win is if the other party loses. That’s not sustainable in an on-going relationship. In this situation, both parties are taking power by picking up their usual weapons; she is withholding love and he responds by stonewalling and punishing. As you might expect, this deadlock only spirals downward, never upward.
A Better Way Forward
In order to change the dynamics in a deadlocked relationship, I help my clients:
Lay down their weapons and move forward in the direction of what they want, rather than moving away from what they fear.
Simply acknowledge that relationships NEED to be a win/win for both parties in order to be sustainable.
Begin to negotiate the terms of surrender from a place of mutual strength, support and committed love.
The only way a relationship can survive is when the partners agree to drop their weapons and never use them against one another again. Those who refuse or ignore the problem are playing a dangerous game. Much like an armed suspect who refuses to drop a weapon when surrounded by police…that final mistake could very well turn out to be a fatal one.
If you find yourself in a situation like this – or know someone else who is – I urge you to contact me for a free, no obligation strategy session.
My clients are getting married!
In less than a year, FOUR of my Relationship client couples have either gotten engaged or married…
watch the video and find out why!