Recently I answered a question in an online forum where I coach and I thought it would be a valuable share here for my readers as well. The meme that generated the question said “Sometimes in life, your situation will keep repeating itself until you learn your lesson.” So let me ask you: have you ever said things to yourself or thought “why does this always happen to me?” or “what’s wrong with me?” when things seem a little frustrating?
It’s probably not an accident
This meme is based on a practice called Imago Therapy which was developed by Harville Hendrix. It is an incredibly helpful concept that allows me to help my clients create rapid, life-changing breakthroughs by looking at old or current situations with new and wiser eyes. It helps them find an empowering meaning and discover patterns of behavior that were hiding in plain sight – sometimes for years or decades! It’s such a game-changer, I want to share how it works with you from the perspective of your relationships. This may come as a surprise to you but in relationships, you don’t attract what you want necessarily. That’s because sometimes you attract what you need in order to do your healing work. Let me give you a great example of how it works:
It started out innocently enough…
As an infant, we’re born into this world “perfect.” No fears, insecurities, shame…all our needs have been provided for instantaneously without having to do ANYTHING. And then we’re raised by imperfect people who are doing the best they can with the skills, awareness and wisdom they have available in the moment. Oftentimes…let’s just say young, inexperienced parents without a manual make some “mistakes.” Those mistakes in child-rearing become “wounds” for their children who will grow up into adulthood affected by their past experiences. From there, it then becomes their journey to “heal” those wounds and attempt to get back to that state of grace they were born with before they were affected by the fearful, imperfect adults around them in their first 7 years of life.
Here’s a textbook example:
For instance, let’s just say a parent has their own doubts and insecurities about their self-worth. One common tool they will use to feel better about themselves is criticism of others. So their child then gets criticized early and often in a quest to “perfect” them so the parent looks good. However, instead of feeling perfect or confident in their gifts, the child grows into an adult who is maybe timid, insecure or afraid to make mistakes due to the expected critique that is sure to come. When this occurs, there are two primary ways it plays out. Either the child grows up replicating the critical and demanding elements that seem perfectly “normal” to them…or they go the other way entirely. They say to themselves, “that was so painful to me, I will NEVER subject anyone else to that kind of abuse!” Now that seems like the better option, right? Unfortunately, oftentimes other side effects come with it. Wounded souls who take a vow not to wound others oftentimes fail to speak their truth…get walked on by others who see them as weak…fail to give solid feedback…and seldom take the chances in life that bring true fulfillment because they’re just too tender to do it…or so they think…
Can you see how this works?
So what’s the solution?
Here’s the last piece of the puzzle: the only way to address and heal these wounds on the journey is by unconsciously ATTRACTING OTHER PEOPLE with similar complimentary wounds. When we replicate the original situation by attracting a critical boss, intimate partner or even an insulting stranger on the street, we have a new opportunity to get the lesson finally and do our healing work so IT NEVER HAPPENS AGAIN. Those who fail to understand that this phenomenon actually comes TO SERVE YOU, tend to feel bad about themselves and make up stories about being “cursed” or “unlucky” when in fact, they are simply “unaware.”
So how do you heal it?
If this makes sense to you…or it even sounds like I was a fly on the wall of your parent’s home growing up, please reach out to me privately for a chat. Explaining this concept and helping my clients to heal and transform their old wounds quickly is not only what I do, it’s my mission. It is this very wounding in 1000 different variations and flavors that stands between you and the amazing life and love you want. If you want a path forward, I’d be honored to show you the way.